Friday, January 13, 2006

Money couldn't buy this....

As amazing as my life seems, I am really not happy, I have a husband who adores me. I am a partner in one of the most prestigious law firms and my man is an Investment Banker at Goldman Sachs together we make a quarter million annually. We live in the same estate as Sidney Sheldon and we drive the most luxurious cars, you name it we’ve got it.
My husband and I met about 6 years ago at fundraiser and it was love at first sight, his body was immaculate and his smile could have been a poster board for a Colgate ad. I was there with a colleague of mine and we drooled as he shook hands with the elites of Santa Barbara, I was certain he was an actor, because he had a certain aura the Denzel could not withstand. He stopped dead in his tracks as he saw me; it was almost like he’d seen a ghost and he composed himself, aware that we’d become disturbed at his sudden stare. “Olarotimi Manuel” he offered in the most arousing voice I have heard to date. I felt my knees buckle before me as he reached for my perfectly manicured hand. “Ranti Balogun, and this is my friend Bola Williams” I responded as he took my hand to his perfect succulent lips. We chatted the entire evening and Bola had spotted and old boyfriend so Rotimi and I were alone. We exchanged cards at the evenings end and I felt really warm all the way home even though it was 50 degrees.
By the time I got to my office the next morning, flowers had been delivered. 2 dozens long stemmed white orchids with a card attached that read “I see my future in you” I was flushed, I though of calling him to say thank you but I had a 9’oclock meeting that was mandatory, “I will call after that” I thought. I was absent minded at the meeting, I held his business card and I could smell his scent, the nostalgic feelings overwhelmed me as I replayed our entire evening scene by scene like it was some hallmark movie. After three long hours of endless ranting, the meeting was adjourned and I rushed to my office to call my prince charming. My secretary, Allison met me at the door and said “ you have 12 messages Miss Balogun…from the same person…some Mr. Manuel!” I could tell see was irritated; poor heifer probably hadn’t been laid in ages.
I sat at my desk and read each of my messages…I miss you, call me; you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen…call me; Are you free for dinner? Call me; I am really glad we met…call me; Its Rotimi…Call me. I was interrupted by my phone it was Allison, “Miss Balogun, its Mr. Manuel on line one…. again!”, “Thanks Allison!” I straightened my hair and fixed my collar (like he could see me over the phone). “Well, well aren’t you persistent” I said jokingly and he laughed and said “only when my eye is on the prize”. The truth is, if this was any other man, I would have considered him a stalker and had my girl Bola Williams draw up a restraining order with a quickness but I liked this one, in fact…I really, really liked this one! We were together every single night for the next 3 months, I wanted to take it slow but he always shock the sense out of me with his sweetness. There were flowers everywhere, he wrote me little notes and sent me email, and I had to block him from my messenger so he wouldn’t distract me at work. It was bit overwhelming but in a feel good way. He was so romantic, he counted the dates we went on and entered every detail in his palm. I met his family, very nice folks they told me stories of how he’d always been good with money, never spending a cent and always saving for a rainy day, its no wonder he became a banker helping people invest their money. My friends adored him, he was polite and he always made sure everyone around him was having a blast and then there was that winning smile…what did I ever do to deserve this great man. On our 4th month anniversary or so he called it, he prepared this elaborate meal of Egusi and Eba and even made me pepper soup for dessert. Damn, this is way too good to be true! The man even cooks!!!
After dinner we made love for the first time…or tried to at least. He was having problems keeping his hard on. I was frustrated, I had been waiting for this piece of man candy to put it on me all this time and he just could keep it up! He apologized and told me we’d try again another time.
We were successful the next time around and it wasn’t the best but at least I got some…I was starting to be cranky like Allison from sexual tension. On that night he proposed to me, with a 3.5 karat yellow solitaire diamond. How could I refuse? I had fallen in love; he was perfect, well almost.... we could work on the sex right? Amazing sex took work and in depth knowledge of one another’s body and needs, I had learnt that in my Sexual Awareness class.
We had a huge wedding and invited everyone we knew and it was beautiful…the most amazing day in my life! I was happy but my happiness was short lived. We continued to have tremendous difficulty in bed and sex became more of a task rather that the art it ought to be. I suggested we see a doctor but my sweet husband was far to embarrassed to do that. I managed to convince him after about a year of abstinence by force. I felt my heart drop as the doctor calmly informed us that my Olarotimi had ED, Erectile Dysfunction. So here I am 6 years of marriage and I can count on my hands how many times we’ve had sex. We have tried all sorts of medication, tests and study, money is not a factor, but I am an unhappy woman, who would have though sex would be the determinant of my happiness.

Not to poke fun at the men with this problem, rather to educate them that early detection makes ED easier to treat, so where your livelihood is concerned, I beg leave the ego and pride out of it and see a doctor. A lot of men suffer from ED; if detected early, successful treatment of ED has been demonstrated to improve intimacy and satisfaction, improve sexual aspects of quality of life as well as overall quality of life.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

So he loves you?...So why does he beat you?

I have often wondered what would drive a man to beat a woman. What could she possibly do? I can understand as a couple coming from different walks of life it is challenging sometimes even outright impossible to coalesce those differences but there are options? There are always options. These abusive traits were not evident in your courtship, you never saw it coming, his jealousy was kinda cute, it was his way of showing he loved you, but did he really love you? You received your first beating five months into your relationship, wedding plans were in tow, you were carrying his child so the families thought you should formalize things. It was a simple argument really; it always was but that simple argument landed you in intensive care for 5 days! You are far too embarrassed to tell anybody so the lies began "I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS" was all you offered to those who asked. You call off the wedding and made a fresh start but it was just a matter of time till he made his way back in. He came with an army, they pleaded and cried and made you promises…. "IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN" was their unified chant. You weighed your options; you didn't really have a choice, who will accept you? You are officially AFTER ONE!You tried all your might to make a home with this man but resentment didn't give way; yes, you had forgiven but you just can't forget!He must have seen the resentment and he didn't quite understand; his frustration must have driven him to strike you once again! There goes another lie "I TRIPPED ON MY WET FLOOR" then there was the time "I GOT HIT BY A CAR". Why were you making excuses? Why didn't you get some help? His friend started to hint you that it was time to make your leave; you grew up in a home divided so you vowed to do you best. He had convinced you that without him your survival would be taxing. Who would help you raise your child? Ten hospital trips latter, you sit and count your scars then you realize you could have died! You decided to put it all in God's hand and allow HIM make a way? Through God's way you found your way and left the bastard behind.According to statistics over a million women die every year as a result of spousal abuse. If you or someone you know is being physically or emotionally abused get some help! There are options! I am a living testimony that there are options! I was one of those chicks that vowed "it could never happen to me" but guess what? it did and it could happen to you too. I know a lot of folks are thinking? Bola is doing way too much sharing today? Well that's quite alright, the way I see it, if my sharing can deliver just ONE woman then I have done my share!. I implore you all to do yours!

What a mess!

All right, so you like this dude and you've been dating for a few months, it is finally time for the deed to be done! Oh yeah! You are getting you some tonight! So you cook your famous Efo elemi mejo and clean your crib and you've already stopped by Victoria Secret for lingerie your ass can't afford, but hey you couldn't bear to let him see your mix match ones with holes in them. You've also laundered your sheets and sprayed your pillow with D&G's light blue. You got your ringer off so your annoying ass friends won't interrupt what is about to go down, they do that shit all the time!The mood is right and you can't wait! You casually leave your most expensive shoes by the door so the guy knows you've got class. After your 10 months dry spell, you are going for it full throttle! So he rings your bell at 7:45, you wait for a couple minutes so you won't seem too eager.You open the door and he is standing there in all his grandeur, 6 foot 2 inches looking like a page out of GQ! Fyne boy, no wrinkles, no pimples with a dimple! DAMN! He looks at you with lust in his dark brown eyes and gives you that smile the makes your insides do flips. You sit and watch him as he devour the delicious meal you've prepared, hoping he will devour you in the same manner later. He compliments your food and winks at you, "put it on me" you thought to yourself. So yall skip desert and lay on your Italian leather sofa to watch "Sleepless in Seattle", you both love the movie die. He whispers in your ear about how cute you are looking and sent chills down your spine. Ten minutes into the movie he is nibbling your ear and you are moaning feverishly, he kisses your forehead and asks…"where have you been all my life", you lift your head and kiss him passionately. He carefully removes all of your clothing as you remove his, his nature rose to the occasion confirming he hungered for you as much as you did for him. As you both fondled each other, you feel him jolt violently, screaming! "Dear god! Dear god!" as if in pain, his eyes begin to roll backward as if he was having a seizure! You look at him with concern, which soon vanished when you found that he had expressed himself all over your beloved sofa! Your dry spell continues!. What a mess!

How could an angel break my heart!

I met this man a little while ago six months to be exact, at a company event. We both work in the medical fields and we had an annual meeting. We were introduced and we spent the greater part of the evening engrossed in deep conversation. It was obvious there was chemistry between us. He was about 30 years old, 6 ft tall, medium built with very seductive features. I fell in love instantly but I couldn't quite read him, this further intrigued me because I usually know when a man is into me. I was cautious about flashing green lights so I maintained a steady yellow. Our friendship grew as we began seeing more and more of each other and sharing thoughts about what our ideal partner would be, we would call each other day and night and share the most intimate secrets, it was as if I found a soul mate. I found that we were completely ourselves when we were together and there was no form of pretence. I believed in love and I believed in soul mates and I also believed in the myth that there is just one partner created for each being, faith brings you to meet that person but I believe it is then left to you to ensure you don't miss out on the opportunity. This has always been my explanation or justification for my past failed relationships and it was enough to comfort me. We would take turns sleeping over each other's homes without any form of physical intimacy, our conversation or even silence was completely fulfilling! It can't get any better than this I thought, but it did! It got better with each passing moment! His friends and mine were envious of the time we share together and swore we were a couple; we would look at them and then at each other and laugh it off like it their notions were absurd. We enjoyed all of the same things but mostly we enjoyed being with each other. This went on for six months and I started getting greedy! I wanted him emotionally but mostly physically! I felt a famishing hunger I never knew existed and I wasn't sure how to tactfully make my feelings known. I decided to invite him to dinner; I chose a restaurant we both enjoyed. It was a romantic evening and I was oozing with optimism, he arrived at the restaurant right on time and I was waiting eagerly at our favorite table, which I reserved beforehand. As he made his way to meet me, I was flooded with emotions; I pictured our life together, we would have such beautiful, intelligent and well mannered children, we would live in a vast estate with all of life's opulence but most importantly we would be together…. Forever!He tapped my shoulder to bring me out of my trance; I uttered my apologies and told him I had a lot on my mind. We ordered from the menu and had wonderful conversation, about work, the weather the political situations, about every thing but our plans for OUR future. I figured this was my chance to share my thoughts with him, cause even though nothing we've shared has alludes to us being a couple, I secretly felt betrothed to this man and no other man has measured up since I met him.I told him being in my life the last six months has taken away all fears and reservations I had about life, about love. I told him I loved him, not in the brotherly way but in the man loves woman way and I have had these feeling since our initial meeting and I wanted to know if he felt the same way. I told him I would love for us to take our friendship to the next level and become a couple. I ended my spiel with 'Later on in my destiny, I see myself having your child, I see myself being your wife and I see my whole future in your eyes'.Throughout my entire discourse he was silent his face was without expression so I did not have a feel for his thoughts. He held my hands and looked into my eyes and said that he is flattered that I have these feelings for him but he is unable to fulfill my destiny because he is GAY!

Can he provide for us?

I work as a Junior Partner at one of the most prestigious law firms in Los Angeles and my sweetheart works for in a group home for vulnerable adults as a Counselor. He recently proposed after we had been dating for 3 years, but I have my doubt about being married to a man that makes 1/4 of my salary. When we started dating I was fresh out of college working as legal aid for the same firm so it was not an issue, I had high hopes for us both, I was certain he would finish school and find a better job, but he insisted college was not for him. He dropped out in his junior year and I have not been able to convince him to go back. He loved his job and he insisted money was not everything. I hoped watching me go through law school and getting promoted to Junior Partner would encourage him make something more meaningful of himself, but he is always proud of my achievements and genuinely happy for me, for us! He always insists on paying for meals when we are out and buys me extravagant gifts that he can barely afford. It took him 2 years to save for my 2-karat engagement ring! I would have settled for a less expensive ring or met him half way but he just wouldn't have it. He insists on paying for everything, even when he can't afford it, he'll have us put it off till his next payday.I am embarrassed to take him out with me to company events or cocktail parties with my friends for fear that they may ask him what he does! He always leaves them baffled when he announces proudly that he's a Counselor; from the look on his face you would think he was a Doctor! I love that he doesn't have a complex; maybe I am the one with the problem! He is just as knowledgeable as many of my educated male friends, so why do I see him as inferior in their mix? At my pace and with my determination, I can only excel further, but I am afraid to because of my man. I have not told my parents about the proposal, I can just imagine their reaction and my man wants us to tell them together! My father is a professor at Harvard Law School and my mother is Superintendent of the Massachusetts School District. They are both aware of our relationship but they think I am going through a phase. I love him so much and I know he loves me too, but we are financially incompatible!We plan to have two children and I am afraid that we will not be able to afford them a decent education, or any of the luxuries I was afforded growing up. I know money is not everything but….can he provide for us?

Sinful Pleasures

Mama is hot no doubt. I am not talking Oprah Winfrey hot, you know in a mummy kinda way, na, I am talking Lisa Ray kinda hot, the kinda hot that makes all your male friends spend extra time in the kitchen with her and all your girlfriend seek fashion advice and beauty tips from her. Hell at 45 her boobs still stands at attention and her waist is as small as it was 26 years ago, no evidence of the three kids she bore, the natural way no less. I have always had great admiration for her, don’t know if I could do what she did, raised 3 kids on her own without a man, you see our dad left when my youngest brother was born, never got the full gist but I think it had something to do with my brother’s birth, cause Mama was not even back from the hospital when daddy made his leave. I was four and my brother Temitope was 2, but you would never know daddy wasn’t there, Mama was so stubborn she refuses the state mandated child support she was awarded, she said she could do it on her own… I never understood that, neither did I understand why dad was so bitter. I tried to reach out to him a few times but he never warmed up to me, oh well, I guess some dudes were just born dead beats. It broke my heart because I would often wake up from Mama’s sob and I would hold her till she fell asleep, she wouldn't know why she was crying but it never failed, 3 to 4 nights a week since I was 4 years old. I vowed that that would not be me, I am going to find me a man, who will love me unconditionally and would never leave me and our kids alone and cause me to cry myself to sleep each night, and if I couldn’t find such a man, I would die alone cause lord knows I’d rather be alone, than be unhappy.I am 26 now and I have been dating this guy since High School, off and on of course because I had decided that men were just some unstable creatures and I was not going to put my most sacred eggs in just one basket, so I dated other men, different race, different culture, in search of that Prince I was sure God had prepared for me. Charles was patient though, he told me our first year together that I would be his wife, he watched me with love as I tested the waters and when I came back empty handed, he was always right there. It took us 10 years to get here but I am convinced he was sent down from heaven to be my husband. News of our engagement sent Mama into a depression spell, I am sure she is happy for me, this is what she’d always wanted…. right? We’d talked about this and I have adhered to the plan exactly as she prayed…. what is the problem? I was mad, not at my sweet unselfish mum that has sacrificed her entire life for my brothers and I but at that man who fertilized her eggs and then abandoned them, the coward that did not care enough to fight…to stick it out! I had had it…. tomorrow, I will find this man and I will ask him questions and I will not leave until I have answers.My answers were not what I expected. He welcomed me with open arms, offered me a drink and some food he had cooked himself he assured. I was not there to eat, I told him coldly. “I am not going to beat around the bush” I prepared him, “Why’d you leave us? It wasn’t for another woman because you still haven’t married. You have no other children so its not that you are pre-occupied, what is it? What did we ever do to you daddy?” I cried desperately. I could tell he was fighting back the tears and after an uncomfortable silence he said “Ifedapo my dear, you are much older now so I guess the time is right. I do have another child or maybe I should say did. His name is Obatayo, he is much older than you about 40 years old now exactly, I had him when I was 17, his mother died while giving birth to him and I thought I could never love again until I met your mother. I was much older than her but in those days it was all right. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on and wanted her to be my wife. I vowed to take care of her till my dying day and we were quickly married. She was a good wife but an even better step mum to Oba despite their closeness in age. We quickly had you and your brother one year apart. Life was blissful to say the least we would travel abroad on vacations and throw feasts on holidays. It was important to your mum that she stayed at home because you guys were so young and needed your mum. The arrangement was fine with me because I ran businesses and they were all at their peak. My world shattered shortly after your brother was born, the doctors said he was anemic, he needed blood and your mum had lost so much during her long labor. To further complicate matters, he was diagnosed with Sickle Cell disease. I told the doctors this was impossible considering I am AA and your mum is AS, worst case scenario, he should only have a trait, the doctors insisted that the tests were accurate, so your mum and I were tested. The test revealed that I was not Enitan’s biological father” at this point my father was pale; a familiar look of disappointment was on his face. Tears were pouring from his eyes, I couldn’t help it, I wailed as I sat frozen pinching into my own skin! This must be a joke or better yet a nightmare; any minute now someone will wake me…right? We sat quietly for a few minutes then he continued, “I looked at your mum and the doctor left us, all the blood drained from her face, she was as white as a ghost! ‘Honey, is it true? Tell me who? Why? How? When?’ I could not stop the questions, she seem so happy, barely left the house, never said or did anything that would cause me to suspect she was unfaithful. I waited for a response and rage took over me and I strangled her, I strangled her with the intention to kill her. I would kill her as she had just killed me, she fought for her life but I held her down and shouted ‘WHO? WHO? WHO?’ I release her and she whispered with her dying breath ‘Oba..Oba….Obatayo and then she passed out. I confronted Obatayo because I was sure I had misunderstood. He confirmed it, told me they had fallen in love since the day she moved in with us. He begged me for forgiveness but how do you even begin to forgive that?” I was frozen with shock, with anger, with disgust, at this point I was no longer crying, I felt numb “My dear there is more” my father continued “Obatayo is your father and Temitope's father as well”………To be continued